Finances, how to discuss this with your partner without understanding American economics?

English is not the only thing you have to learn when you come to America. Money is the same everywhere, but even if you’re absolutely comfortable with your financial knowledge before you move abroad, things can be very challenging. You have to learn the local economic system inside and out. I’ve noticed that personal finance is not a concern for many women, including myself! (Kudos to the ladies out there who are financially savvy!) It seems that many women expect men to take care of it. Big mistake! When I first arrived, my confidence plummeted when I engaged in conversations about money because I didn’t understand the American economy.

I feel like women still wait for prince charming to rescue them (and their credit card bills) and live happily ever after. At least in my circle, I find it difficult to find women that feel comfortable talking about money. Since stay-at-home moms invest in their children and homes, it’s difficult to break this mentality and feel financially in charge.

One time I used my husband’s credit card to design our new condo. That was a big mistake. There’s nothing wrong with your spouse being the provider; however, you both need to have a strong and consistent understanding of responsibilities and priorities to avoid future resentment. Talking about money is very difficult, especially for foreigners. We know how difficult it can be to communicate our feelings in another language, regardless of how proficient your spouse is in the common language. Because of these obstacles – language barriers and an expat's lack of knowledge about the local economy – many couples avoid discussing finances. This can lead to even bigger problems in the future.

My money Story

I grew up with absolutely no idea of how to manage money. My single mother always made sure I had everything I wanted, but never revealed how difficult it was for her to make it happen. Fast-forward to my adult life. In 2003, I met my husband. When we moved in together he told me, “I pay the rent, you pay the utilities.” I agreed, but had no idea what that meant. I can admit now that I was very embarrassed because I didn’t understand this concept. I tried to contribute as much money as I could, but my income was very low.

The most important thing I learned is that at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what you do for a living or who pays the bills. Instead, the key to success is learning how to responsibly manage your money and maintaining open communication with your spouse. This will determine how you teach your kids about money and help stabilize your family’s financial health.

How to Proceed when you’re Unsure of Next Steps?

Learn about Money!

Educate yourself! You had to learn English… so why can’t you learn about personal finances?

Learn about taxes and how to complete your yearly tax forms. Don’t let your spouse or somebody else file your taxes without you fully understanding where the money goes!

Ask questions. Research online. Learn how mortgages work. Before you sign a mortgage on your dream home, learn how the mortgage may affect your life if he loses his job or has an income reduction.

Learn about social security, 401K, IRAs, and investing.

Once you are familiar with basic financial language, ask your spouse to talk about it. It’s going to be difficult at first… I speak from experience!

“Family finance is a great opportunity to take marriage to a better level”.

Dave Ramsey.

It took me a long time to realize how important this is, but it’s never too late. Money is one of the top causes of divorce. A lot of times, this is due to a lack of communication. When you both speak different languages, this can become even more aggravating. Priorities differ and culturally, you may handle money differently than most Americans.

I also feel like sometimes our American husbands take for granted the time we’ve spent learning English, adapting to the culture, and understanding how money “talks” here. Thus, a simple discussion about family finances can quickly turn into a huge argument caused by miscommunication and/or a misunderstanding of American finances. That is why it’s so important to educate yourself as much as possible in preparation for these discussions.

I understand that every marriage functions differently and has unique dynamics when it comes to money. Regardless of your situation, I highly encourage you to be involved and productive in managing your personal finances. Marriage is supposed to represent a union, so both members should be active participants when it comes to finances. You should not follow your spouse’s financial decisions blindly. Instead, you should learn about the American financial system in order to make joint decisions as a married couple. Even if you prefer to be passive and want your husband to make decisions, you should still understand his reasoning behind his decisions.

Here are some tips that worked for me:

• Do your homework: seek financial education resources that will increase your knowledge and prepare you for discussions with your spouse. If he wants to lead financial decisions, ask him to teach you so you’re both on the same page. If he is well-versed in managing finances, he may be your most valuable resource! But you should have a basic understanding to be able to judge his decisions.

• If he has money issues (who doesn’t, right?) starting the conversation may be difficult for both of you. Nevertheless, it’s crucial to have an open and honest discussion. You may find out about an student loans or other debts he’s been battling for years. FYI: student loans are the only loans that cannot be dismissed by the government, even in the event of bankruptcy. When you signed that beautiful marriage license, you inherited that debt too! For better or for worse, right? It’s time to open dialogue and reveal the mess you got yourself into. Or discover his financial background, debts, plans, and dreams.

• Any spouse that refuses to talk about finances or becomes defensive and aggressive = red flag!! If this is your situation, consider seeking a marriage counselor to mediate the discussion and help both sides understand each other.

Empower yourself. I promise that once you conquer the financial wall between you and your spouse, many fights will not only be resolved, but also finalized so you don’t have to revisit them in the future. This will open the door to discussions about family planning, savings, investments, and opportunities to grow wealth.

Once I realized my lack of financial knowledge, I understood why my husband and I were so disconnected. After thoroughly researching American finance, savings, investing, debt issues, social security, 401K, etc., I gained the confidence to sit down with him and start the discussion about our money. It wasn’t easy. Initially, there was a lot of resistance, but I kept pushing and proving that I was able to organize our financial lives.

Here is a helpful outline for starting your discussion:

1) List all your expenses to see where your money goes. Ask him to do the same. (WARNING: this may cause friction if one of you hasn’t been honest with each other. However, if you can overcome this, it will likely bring you closer to each other)

2) List your goals and expectations as a family. For example: a new house, vacations, starting a business, children, college tuition, retirement, cars, fighting debt, etc. This will open your eyes and help you understand how close or far you are from these goals.

3) Make an effort to agree on a common goal you both work towards. That way, you can eliminate the “I do everything and you don’t,” or “I pay for everything and you don’t” arguments. You may also prevent you or your spouse from buying expensive things when you should be saving for a new house or other investments!

If you are sailing in the American economy as a foreigner, just like us, check out the tab "what we read" to start you rolling.

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